i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He shit in the fireplace
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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