ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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