What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
