my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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