how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
