dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
