Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
