You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
