One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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