oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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