please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
