Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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