Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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