it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
