I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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