Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
MIDGETS
????
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
