My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
