I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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