yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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