I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
