she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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