you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
