I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
