Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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