Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
