alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
