Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
