How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
