i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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