wakey wakey hands off snakey
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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