I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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