Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
