I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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