kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
