Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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