Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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