My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My liver just had a heart attack.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
