I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
