I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
