Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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