Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
