Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
