He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
