I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I am available for nakedness
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
