Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
