it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
