is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
