On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
