I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
