on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
