tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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