My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
