dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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