"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
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