I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
