fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
